


Stage Fright

by starlightwalking



Series: Ataquenta Silmarillion [5]
Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Transphobia, Laws and Customs Among the Eldar, Love Confessions, Queer Elves, Trans Female Character, Valinor, Years of the Trees
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:35:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24794731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlightwalking/pseuds/starlightwalking
Summary: Elemmírë is about to come out with a new song, but another long-kept secret might be revealed before that happens.
Relationships: Elemmírë/Findis (Tolkien)
Series: Ataquenta Silmarillion [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2076816
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20
Collections: Anna's Trans Anthology, Dialogue Prompts





	Stage Fright

**Author's Note:**

> A ficlet for a tumblr anon, who requested Findimmírë + "I feel like I can't breathe."
> 
> Tolkien: doesn't specify a gender for a character  
> Me: She's trans now!
> 
> In my mind this is compliant with my [Fëanorian Redemption series](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1484228), though it is set long before the events of that story and not technically about the Fëanorians, so while I put this as part of that series originally I decided to take it out. No context for that series is required, but this fic is based off a headcanon of mine that makes a brief appearance in a throwaway line of [ATATYA ch1](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20398906/chapters/48384556).

“I feel like I can’t breathe,” Elemmírë whispered, clutching her friend close. “It’s just…there’s so much…I’m a singer, a performer, I shouldn’t be so _afraid_ …”

“Shh, it’s alright,” Findis murmured, rubbing comforting circles on her back. “Fear doesn’t always make sense, Mírë. But I think this time it’s justified, dearest. It’s a lot of people, and you’re showing a different side of yourself to the world.”

Elemmírë shook. She never wanted to let Findis go—she’d known that for awhile, now, though she hadn’t gotten the courage to tell Findis how she felt. It had been hard enough to tell her that she was nís and not a nér, especially when such things were almost unheard of in Aman. (On the Journey, at Cuiviénen, it had been different. But Elemmírë had followed her king to Valimar, and she loved the life she had here.)

“I don’t know what I would do without you, Findis,” she confessed. “I don’t know how I managed before you.”

“You did just fine,” Findis scolded her gently. “You made a name for yourself, you shared your voice with all Aman, you befriended Varda of all people! It is a wonder you want me around at all!”

“Don’t say that, never say that,” Elemmírë protested. “I love you, Findis. I never had a family—I am Unbegotten, and was not called to another soul as some were when we first woke. But with you…” She trailed off, her heart beating faster than it had been already. Oh, she had already said too much!

But Findis looked at her tenderly, the same love reflected in her eyes. “Mírë, I love you too. I…I have hoped you would consider me family, even if we are not tied by blood.”

“Maybe I should call this off,” Elemmírë stammered. “I—I know I’ve been planning this, this song to share who I am with the world, and…I want to sing it, I want people to know that I am truly a nís, but—” She blushed. “I want to share myself with you alone, in this moment.”

Findis stared. “It’s your big day,” she said softly. “Are you sure?”

In answer Elemmírë kissed her. Findis let out a surprised squeak, but when Elemmírë pulled back, terrified that she would reject her, Findis only drew her close again for another kiss.

“ _Oh_ ,” Findis whispered at last. “I had hoped…but then you said you were a nís, and I…thought that meant you looked to néri…”

“It’s you, Findis, it’s always been you,” Elemmírë replied, tears of joy streaming down her cheeks. “Nís or nér, it’s always you. I don’t want to be your sister, I…I want to be your wife.”

Findis gasped, then kissed her again. “My wife!” she exclaimed in hushed tones. “My _wife_ …”

“It’s fast, I know, but I’ve known you for so long,” Elemmírë began, only for Findis to cut her off with another kiss.

“I want that too,” she said. “I want to be _your_ wife. Is…such a thing possible? Two níssi…?”

“It happened at Cuiviénen,” Elemmírë said, “though those níssi did not come to Valinórë…nor did the néri who were partnered. And the King of the Air has laid down rules. But my Queen of the Stars has blessed me as a nís, and I trust she would bless us together. Manwë may not understand, but I think to him I seem still a nér…”

“You are not a nér,” Findis said. “You’re a nís— _my_ nís. As I am yours.”

“Damn the performance,” Elemmírë decided. “I’ll come out with my song another day, with you at my side. My Findis.”

“My Elemmírë,” Findis sighed, and kissed her once more.

**Author's Note:**

> This story fleshes out my gender/sexuality headcanons re: elvish social mores a bit - one of these days I'll write a meta that goes more in depth on the subject and how I use LaCE to worldbuild around these concepts, but for now, this is how I see these two working in a cisheterosexist society and still being faithful Vanyar.
> 
> Rebloggable on tumblr [here](https://arofili.tumblr.com/post/621076094316101632/findimmire-anon-happy-for-more-o-i-think-41-is).
> 
> Thanks for reading, and please comment if you enjoyed!  
> You can find me on tumblr [@arofili](http://arofili.tumblr.com/).


End file.
